I think im going to throw up on grandma
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
