sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
My ass is underappreciated
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
