census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
