I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
