All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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