Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Text me some of your sweat
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
