he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
