Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
