You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
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