im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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