Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
