I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
