weddingsv make me drug and hornr
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
