I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
