I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
