the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
He kissed a someone with a penis
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
