can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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