Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
only if we run a train.
done.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
My penis needs a shock collar
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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