From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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