Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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