Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
We talked him into tasing himself.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
