I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Randomize
