My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
