I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Randomize
