So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
