My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
