Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
