The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
