You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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