Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
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