Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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