dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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