hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
