I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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