and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
