every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
