the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
