Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I'm having to shit out rocks
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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