Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
