The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
