i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
