I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
