They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Randomize
