I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
