I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
