i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
