I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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