I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
