nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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