I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize
