i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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