Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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