Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
is wine microwaveable?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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